


Probably... Maybe... Obviously.

by jbsullivan17



Series: Don't Let Me Go [16]
Category: The 100
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-10 01:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14727146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: He's come home after six years, years where he's published novels, and traveled the world, still never going home, home was where he left his heart. Where he left her...She hasn't seen him in six years and she doesn't know how to let him be a part of her life again.





	1. Probably...

**Author's Note:**

> Idk where this came from, I was washing dishes and *poof* a 10k+ word fic is being brought into fruition.

It wasn't that Clarke was sitting on the sidelines of Bellamy's life waiting for him to realize that she's the one for him. It wasn't what she was doing, even if that's what her friends—their friends—thought, it's not.

Okay, so maybe it was. She was with Finn when she began realizing how cute he was and then Raven happened and she kind of banned herself from ever dating again. All the while Bellamy was sleeping with whomever he pleased, taunting her and slowly becoming her best friend. And then her sexual awakening happened thanks to Lexa being so bold as to kiss Clarke after telling her that love is weakness in this big elaborate speech that looking back on seemed all too well rehearsed. And then Lexa moved away and Clarke went off to Camp Ton D.C. as a junior councilor, had a fling with a councilor named Niylah and when she came back, Bellamy was with Gina and they all went to Ark U together and Clarke wanted to scream. She liked Gina, she was nice and pretty and made Bellamy smile in a way that Clarke had never seen on him before, a smile she wished she could be the one to put on his face but then Gina got into the school she wanted in the specific field she wanted and it was in Alaska so she broke up with Bellamy and he was broken, Clarke had never seen him so torn up and she didn't know how to put him back together. She was his best friend and she didn't know how to fix him.

And so after Gina, after he got over her, Clarke thought that maybe he finally got himself together, maybe he saw her how she's secretly seen him for the last few years and maybe, just maybe, Bellamy was in love with her too.

Then she saw him with Bree a few nights at the bar, they were there with their friends for trivia night, Bellamy had the history trivia down pat and Clarke rounded them out with the obscure, weird, and artsy trivia. They were key parts of a team and Clarke was losing more and more focus the longer she saw him with Bree, the more Bree wore him down each Tuesday night until she saw him cave and they lost, partly because he wasn't there to answer the last history question but also because Clarke's answers to the obscure and artsy questions were completely wrong because she could only focus on Bellamy walking out of the bar with Bree.

"You really should just tell him," Raven said that night with a look that screamed Clarke was being pathetic.

"How doesn't he know? It's not like I'm exactly hiding it."

"Denial? Maybe he figured you would never feel that way for him so falling into bed with Beth or whoever is his only choice."

"Whomever and oxymoron. He's not that stupid."

"Oh, come on, he's pretty dense. He didn't even realize you were his best friend until two years ago."

"He still goes to Miller for all his guy shit."

"He goes to you for all his guy shit too. Seriously, I think if you had a dick, you'd be his roommate instead."

"You're saying we can't be roommates because we're the opposite sexes? That's sexist and incorrect. I'd place a wager on Bellamy and I being able to be roommates but I think I'll just wind up breaking my own heart doing that."

"Probably."

* * *

Bellamy and Bree didn't become a thing. She was leaving town the night they hooked up and so Clarke never had to see her again. Except in her dreams, nightmares rather, where she kept watching him walk away with her, with another blonde on his arm instead of her and it hurt, seeing that he could break his streak of brunette, only not for her.

Months flew by and Clarke was almost going to tell him, let him in on how she felt when she saw the acceptance letter from Tufts University for his MFA. He was graduating and she was staying at Ark for two more years finishing her bachelors. He's leaving.

"Clarke?" he asked when he walked in the door of his apartment, finding her standing at the kitchen island that was always cluttered with his and Miller and Murphy's mail, still staring at the acceptance letter, she didn't know if it was seconds that she'd been staring at it or minutes, or hell, even hours. She just couldn't wrap her head around it.

"Clarke?" he asked again, closer this time, probably next to her but he sounded muffled, so far away. It was like when her mother came to her in the waiting room all those years ago to tell her about her father dying, that his injuries were too much all at once, that the crippling pain was too much for him to push through and he was gone. Bellamy's already gone.

"Don't leave," she said, knowing how selfish she was being. Knowing how her voice sounded, knowing that her asking him to stay wasn't going to do him any good because this was what he wanted. Tufts University MFA was his dream and she's his best friend, she's replaceable.

"Clarke..."

"Don't. I can't hear you say it."

"We've been through a lot together haven't we?" he scoffed, placing his hand over hers over his acceptance letter. "We can get through this too. It's only, what? A nine hour drive. It's nothing. We'll see each other all the time, O will make sure of that."

"Will she? She's made it pretty damn clear that everything horrible in her life is your fault. What makes you think she'll make sure you visit or that she'll want to visit you?"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"Fuck me if that's true," Clarke uttered under her breath, her eyes glued on the Welcome to Tufts at the bottom of the letter, she couldn't look away. "Were you going to tell me?"

"Grad party," he shrugged. "Clarke, listen. You have Raven and Miller and O, Murphy's coming with me for Gods only knows why. We're not going to be alone and I'm never going to forget you. How the hell could I forget the princess?" he chuckled and Clarke smacked him in the chest playfully.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this without you," Clarke admitted as Bellamy pulled her into his chest, kissing her temple.

"You're the amazing, resilient Clarke Griffin, if anyone can do it, it's you."

Clarke nodded, burying her face in his neck, Gods does he smell amazing, grass and maple and just man. "Just... hurry."

Bellamy chuckled, "You can't rush perfection."

Clarke scoffed.

* * *

Bellamy went to Boston three days after graduation, he had an internship that Pike got him into at a publishing house. He can learn the ins and outs of the publishing industry before deciding what side of it he wants to be on. It’s a good opportunity even though it kept him busy, too busy for phone calls and barely enough energy for texts but Octavia said he was loving it, after she visited him there for Independence Day weekend, the city goes all out for the holiday and Bellamy snuck her some Guinness while they were walking in the park.

Clarke was happy for him, he’s her best friend, she’s proud of him for going after what he wants, even if she doesn’t quite understand why he wants to be a writer or in the publishing business at all. She knew he was a fantastic writer, his essays read like a short story that excited her and his professors to read what he had to say but she was always better at grammar, punctuation, and rhythmic flow than he was so he always had her check them before he handed them in and she did, even if it meant that she would be handing in her own papers late. She was his go to proof reader and she hoped that didn’t change even with six hundred miles between them.

He didn’t, it was infrequent but she still got emails from him asking her to proof a story he wrote, a poem. Hell, there was even a song. He sent the same story multiple times with more and more chapters added in and Clarke wondered if he was paying the school to have him write a story instead of a publishing house paying him for the story. Maybe that’s what an MFA is. He had a week for Christmas and Clarke wished she could have stayed in town to see him, already having plans to see her mother in Chicago. Their spring breaks didn’t match up and he wanted to go to Portland for some AWP conference and the first night he was there he called her overwhelmed and broken-hearted.

“I don’t belong here,” he said.

“Yes, you do. You made a biology paper sound like a Jules Verne novel.”

“That’s an exaggeration but I did make it entertaining and poetically fun.”

“That’s an oxymoron. Anyway, you’re an amazing writer, compelling and I lose hours in your words so you definitely belong. More so than half the people there if you can get me to read an actual book,” Clarke joked.

“That’s true, you’re the most stubborn person I know. Wait, you read Jules Verne?”

“Audiobooks in high school. I had to go to the library for them but now Audible exists so...”

“God, I could go for some Saucy’s barbecue right now,” he sighed.

It was a tradition, starting with someone Clarke didn’t even know, that Bellamy knew before she and Octavia became roommates freshman year, he was missing it this spring break and probably next year’s too.

“We can go this summer, are you coming back before your internship?”

“I... I have to see, I might have time. I’m really hoping I do, I’ve missed you more than I miss Saucy’s.”

“I might not go this year, give you some incentive to come get some with me at the end of the semester.”

“Clarke...”

“It’s been ten months, I just want to see my best friend.”

“And you could have if you didn’t go see your mom.”

“Because  _you_  can say no to her? You know I couldn’t.”

He knew she made a good point, he was never good at saying no to Dr. Abigail Griffin and knew that everyone else that knew her had the same issue.


	2. ...Maybe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I decided to get a tellonym... here's the link: <https://tellonym.me/jbsullivan27>

Bellamy had just bought a bus ticket to Richmond to visit the week before his internship started when he got the call about a problem with his scholarship so he couldn’t go to Virginia to visit because he had to find a replacement or two to cover what that scholarship covered and Clarke didn’t go to Saucy’s barbecue. Thanksgiving Octavia wanted to go to Boston with Lincoln and tell Bellamy about their engagement so Clarke couldn’t go too (though her being there could have softened the blow). Christmas was a month in Rio with Raven and Abby and Roan and Kane and Clarke felt weird being the only one without someone but they never made her feel left out or a third wheel (or fifth). She missed Bellamy more when she was away doing nothing than when she was studying in the library or her apartment or the coffee shop, where she usually spent the time with him, still studying but also goofing off enough for her to enjoy studying but now she has her iPhone and the music she downloaded onto it to keep her entertained and somewhat engaged in her assignments.

_“You’re doing it all wrong,” she heard over her shoulder as she took a break from a math equation in her notebook. Turning around to find Bellamy and his deep voice and dark eyes staring down at her and freckles and giant coffee cup._

_“I’m doing it wrong? It’s math, PEMDAS and—“ Bellamy smirked at her response and Clarke grimaced. “What?”_

_“I didn’t know what else to say. Do you mind if I join you? Every other table is occupied and I kind of know you. I was hoping to get some work done here.”_

_“Are you going to be an ass about PEMDAS?” Clarke asked, knowing full well how dickish Bellamy can be, being on the receiving end of it a few times already and they’re only two months into the semester._

_“Not as long as you keep your PEMDAS to yourself,” he smirked flirtatiously, is he capable of fully smiling? He sat down and pulled out his old brick of a laptop and got to work on his own assignments._

_It became a habit at the coffee shop, sitting together, buying each other coffee, knowing each other’s coffee orders and snack preferences that transferred over to the library, he’d bring her Fritos and she’d bring him Funyuns. Clarke didn’t realize that they were talking and joking around more than they were studying and working, or that Bellamy became her favorite person, her best confidant._

Clarke and Octavia graduated along with a lot of their friends and Bellamy missed it because he had his own but he also had a book deal that needed ironing out. Of course Clarke was proud of him, he’s getting everything he wanted. He deserved it, even though there was a little piece of her that wanted to be next to him, that still had a crush on him that she refused to make any bigger than that because they’re best friends... or maybe just friends now, he has people in Boston.

Clarke started working at an art studio in Richmond and in her free time she was at the youth center teaching art classes, deciding to become a foster mom and it wasn’t easy, the first few, she was nervous or they came from too rough a place to trust her kindness and believed its a facade and she’ll be this evil person once they’re comfortable with her.

Then came Madi, a sweet eight year old that, yes, was skeptical of her at first but once Clarke drew a picture of her on the playground, Madi loved her and Clarke adopted her a year later. The more time went by the less and less Bellamy became a staple phone friendship, their lives just didn’t have enough time to try and meet in person so they had five minute conversations when they both could and the more time passed the more infrequent the calls were until it was three years since they’d talked, she was still on his book list and the top shelf in her closet was slowly loading up with boxes of his books, boxes she was too busy to open let alone read. One box in particular, unbeknownst to her, contained their story.

Somehow, a few months apart turned into six years and Clarke didn’t know how to bring her self around to admitting to Madi, who had heard countless stories of Bellamy Blake and the rest of Clarke’s friends that she did miss him and her heart broke every time a new book arrived.

One day Clarke was running late from meeting Madi at the café in town so she texted her that she will meet her at home instead and when she opened the door fifteen minutes later with a pizza in hand, she found Bellamy on her couch.

“Bellamy?”

He looked older, not just six years, but Clarke had a feeling it had to do with the beard.

 _He had a beard!_ Everything else looked the same, his eyes a little more tired, and a little underfed than before, but he still looked the same, like her Bellamy.

“Hey, I... Madi didn’t tell me that you were her mom.”

“Uh, yeah, where... where is she?”

“Bathroom. She said something about her not walking home alone and Niylah trusted me from all those years so...”

“No, it’s fine. I trust you with my kid, you raised O,” Clarke shrugged. Why was this so awkward.

“So you adopted her. Honestly, out of every delinquent, I never pegged you to be the first mother,” he laughed and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Out of all the delinquents, I never would have pegged you to become famous.”

“Jules Verne, right?”

Clarke sighed. “Jules Verne. Madi! Pizza’s here!”

Madi slipped into the room and looked between the two of them. “What’s going on in here?”

“Bellamy’s going home and we’re going to have dinner.”

“Right, I’m going to eat in the office. You two talk or whatever. I have homework.”

Clarke bit back a remark, knowing that Madi was trying to set them up but it’s been six years. She and Bellamy aren’t the same people even if they wanted to be something back then, it wouldn’t be the same now.

He left five minutes later with a slice of pizza for the road asking Clarke if she read any of the books he sent her and she grimaced. She didn’t have time, she told him, not with running around after Madi. She’s proud of him, she’s always proud of him. You can’t rush perfection.

She saw him a few more times after that, at the grocery store, running at the park while she watched Madi play softball, the bar one night when Madi had a birthday slumber party. It was good, they were slowly getting back to being comfortable again until she saw him making out with Echo Azgeda on the sidewalk. Not once did he mention that he was with someone, not once did he say that he knew the one person she hated most because she was the reason he stayed away, she gave him the book deal, she kept him in Boston but she was also the one who put so much doubt in his head. Who twisted his mind so much before he went to Boston, saying he wasn’t good enough, that his stories were horrible. How could he forget that? How could he forgive her?

Clarke was frozen in place, she forgot where she was even going, who she was with when she saw it that it wasn’t until Madi yelled her name that she snapped out of it, that she looked down at her daughter, suddenly remembering her guitar lessons, and looked over at them and his eyes were on her just like Echo’s were, before she continued walking down the sidewalk to the music school above the barbershop around the corner.

“I didn’t see that coming. Are you okay, Mom?”

Clarke blinked a few times now that she had barely any time to process what she just saw. “Yeah, it’s been six years, Mads, he can be with whomever he wants. Maybe she’s not the person she used to be. College stresses people out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Madi, go to your class, I’ll be here when you’re done.”

“And Bellamy?”

“That’s not our business, Madi.”

“You loved him.”

“Yeah, I did, but six years is a long time. I’ve had you for three and you’re not the same as when I first got you, right?”

“Right, but I was nine, I’m twelve now.”

“And you’re late to your guitar lesson. Go!” Clarke pushed her through the door and sighed softly before going down the street to the mechanics shop and stared at Raven through the window to the garage.

Did she know? Does she now? Does Octavia know? She’s the one that told Bellamy not to listen to Echo, that he’d be an amazing writer and Echo was being an asshole editor that didn’t know what she was doing and anyone with half a brain would want to publish every essay he’s ever written, They’re gold.

“What’s up?” Raven asked after a few minutes.

“Bellamy’s with Echo?”

“Oh, shit. I was kind of hoping he would have broken up with her now that he moved back here and you’re here. How’d you find out?”

“Uh, with Madi, in town, taking her to her guitar lesson.”

“And he found out about Madi before you even knew he was back. You guys haven’t really spent any quality time together to have those deeper conversations.”

“True, it still... it sucks. I suppressed those feelings for years and the moment I see him again it’s like a flood burst and all I think about is seeing him again. Now I know he’s with someone else, someone we all hated because she told him MFA wasn’t worth it and he’s an author of what? Five books now?”

“Four and an essay collection. Have you read them?”

“It just seemed like too much. We didn’t keep in touch like we promised so reading these words of his, it would have felt like they held more weight than they should. I would have stayed in love with him.”

“So you’re admitting it now? Impressive.”

“Is it really admitting it if everyone but him already knew?”

Raven shrugged, “You should really read them. You were his biggest supporter and now that he’s back, it’s like a second chance.”

“A second chance where he already has a girlfriend.”

Raven smirked, “You two were inseparable before he left, he knows that, I think he’d want to know you read them.”

Clarke nodded, “Any particular order?”

“Um, I’d save _Tangency_ for last.”

“When did he write that?”

“Three years ago. Start with the essays.”

Clarke nodded. “The essays, got it. Could you pick up Madi, I have to go find the books at home.”

“Of course. Six o’clock above the barbershop, right?”

“Right. Tell her we’ll order Chinese for dinner, get her excited about that.”

“I better be getting Chinese food out of this.”

“You will. I’ll see you at six fifteen!” Clarke called walking out of the shop and back home where she pulled the boxes out of her closet, having to jump for two of them and she tore them all open and put them in order of what she thought she should read. Itching to read _Tangency_ but listening to Raven and picked up the collection of essays entitled, _Altschmerz_ , and Clarke laughed at the reference to their favorite class together. Their only class together.

She didn’t get to read anything before Raven brought Madi home and Clarke ordered their Chinese food.

“Did you read any of them?”

“No, but do you think he knows how pompous he sounds with these titles?” Clarke laughed.

Raven shrugged, “The meanings are in the dedication so if people don’t know or understand, he explains it.”

“If people don’t understand the title, are they going to want to read the book?”

“I think _New York Times Best Selle_ r speaks for itself. They had him tweet a few months before the first book came out so people would know his name and how he writes so they’ll be interested in what else he has to say and not be shocked by how he is. It was actually pretty cool following him back then. Now too, but its a little more Q and A and promotional stuff,” Raven smiled and Clarke wondered what she’s been missing out on by not having social media at all.

Raven left before Madi had to get ready for bed, helping her with her math homework for a while Clarke washed the dishes. Once Madi was in bed, Clarke looked at the pile of books on her nightstand (thank you, Raven) and wondered if what she was looking for was even inside the pages.

Clarke picked up _Altschmerz_ and it was the most compelling read she’s read in a long time. The essays were an array of feelings and hamartia’s and mythology that kept her completely enthralled. Even though it was a collection of essays that served their own individual point and purpose, they all told a bigger story that Clarke felt needed some sense of telling even though she didn’t quite know who’s story Bellamy was trying to tell.

 _Cynosure_ was a brilliant retelling of the classic _it’s better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all_ and Clarke’s heart ached because it was all about Gina and it was beautiful and the title depicted exactly who and what Gina was, someone who strongly attracts attention by its brilliance or intellect. Gina was smart and charismatic and, sure, maybe people were initially drawn in by her beauty but they stayed and kept coming back for her brilliance. He loved her and it was clear and obvious with the storytelling and they ending was heartbreaking, soul shattering and Clarke wondered what the underlying message was with the whole book because _it’s better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all_ was just a part of what the story was. Yes, Bellamy/Argos loved and lost Gina/Marisol and Argos’s sister, Lee, pulls him back together. When in reality, Bellamy went off the deep end, he signed up for the army, he did everything he could to push all his friends and family away. Clarke didn’t know what to say to him, didn’t know how to make it all better until one day where he was being doubly horrible, she snapped and it snapped him back into being Bellamy. Clarke brought him back, like Lee brought Argos back, so if this is based on the people in Bellamy’s life, _Cynosure_ depicts her as Bellamy’s sister. He thinks of her as a sister.

That realization nearly broke Clarke and she didn’t want to continue the books, she didn’t want to read any more of his heartrending words and stories that made her his sister. She’s not his sister and if he didn’t see that back then, how could he see that now?

The next night she was skeptical about reading the next book, _Keta._ It was about his father’s death, about the loss in his life, real loss, not involving Clarke whatsoever so she was kind of happy about it, not that losing his parents and Gina were exactly easy feats to get over and push through, but she’s glad that Bellamy didn’t see the last six years apart as a full loss, maybe he knew that they’d get back to each other, maybe he had hope for them, their friendship.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an obsession with dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com which is where Bellamy's book titles came from. John Koenig has spent nearly a decade compiling this dictionary that I watched a TED Talk about and it was one of the two TED Talk's that I actually enjoyed. If you have an obsession with words like I do, go check it out, he's coming out with an actual book with them all soon, which of course I've already signed up for the pre-sale announcement.
> 
>  **Altschmerz** : (noun) weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.
> 
>  **Tangency** : a glimpse of what might have been.
> 
>  **Keta** : /KAY-tah/ (noun) an image that inexplicably leaps back into your mind from the distant past.
> 
>  **Anemoia** : n. nostalgia for a time you’ve never known.
> 
>  **Ellipsism** : n. sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out, that you’ll dutifully pass on the joke of being alive without ever learning the punchline—the name of the beneficiary of all human struggle, the sum of the final payout of every investment ever made in the future—which may not suit your sense of humor anyway and will probably involve how many people it takes to change a lightbulb.
> 
> And this one is actually a word that was dictionary.com's Word of the Day on Tuesday, May 22.  
>  **Cynosure** : (noun) something that strongly attracts attention by its brilliance, interest, etc. or something serving for guidance or direction.


	3. ...Obviously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna be 100% honest right now... the original title was "Maybe... Probably... Obviously." but I messed up and so we're here and there's a lot of doubts...

Clarke didn’t get to read much after _Keta_ , it wasn’t that she didn’t want to, it just happened to be the end of the year for Madi so she was rushing around with recitals and softball finals and planning the summer camp her job held every year, Being in charge of hiring the councilors and ordering the supplies and she was so busy planning and organizing that her brain was fried by the time she got Madi into bed, that she collapsed into bed quickly after her.

“Hey,” she heard after finally getting the enormous case of water bottles into her cart at Costco. Looking up as she stood, Bellamy and his beard were there, his cart filled with healthy food, ground beef, steaks, and a rotisserie chicken. She has water bottles, juice boxes by the hundreds and those little pouches of potato chips. He probably thinks they’re for Madi, that she doesn’t provide healthy food for her daughter whereas he and Echo are on this organic healthy diet.

“Hey,” she grimaced. She didn’t even think about how she looked, she knew she was on the verge of looking like a train wreck, her hair hadn’t been washed in three days so she had a ball cap that was probably one he left behind when he moved to Boston, these ugly dark grey shorts that were fraying at the edges and a pale pink tank top that didn’t conceal much and the black bra she had underneath was just the icing on the cake, because it was a mom bra, not a cute one that single women wear, that would entice someone on to get it off to see what’s underneath and it’s not exactly a secret that Clarke’s breasts were amazing. Her friends were jealous and guys often gawked. Her shoes were flip flops that were so old and worn down she really should throw them out but they were too comfortable from constant use.

“That all for camp?”

Clarke blinked. “Uh, yeah, how do you know about that?”

“Madi,” he said softly. “I’m not going behind your back and seeing her, it’s not like I’m looking for her, I’ve just seen her around and at Niylah’s again last week. I asked how you were and she said your job has been keeping you busy and tired.”

“Yeah, it’s exhausting. There’s supposed to be five of us working on this but they have families that they have to get home to and—I mean, I have Madi, but that’s different—it’s just easier for me to do it all myself.”

“As long as you get the credit,” he said and he knew her, she wasn’t going to take all the credit, it’s not who she is. “Clarke… I feel like I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. That we…”

“You haven’t tried,” she said before realizing how cold and callous she sounded. She’s not bitter over anything that’s happened, life got in the way of them and she accepted it. Accepted being another sister to him. “You have your happy life with Echo and I have Madi to think of and protect. She can think you’re this great guy who found the success that you’ve always wanted but at the expense of your best friend. Just be aware that she only likes you because she doesn’t know the second half of that.”

“You really want to go there? I _begged_ you to come visit me and you never did. I was a friend of convenience for you and that was fun to realize after I wrote you a book.”

“You never be…what?”

“I wrote a whole damn book about you. Three hundred and eighty seven pages dedicated to you and you never called. You never showed up, I began wondering if you’d died because it wasn’t just me left behind, it was O and Raven and Monty. You were _so_ busy you couldn’t even call your friends to check in? I doubt it.”

“I—you don’t know what it was like, Bellamy. You had this life in Boston, you had…” Clarke shook her head. “I was going to surprise you for Thanksgiving but then Lincoln proposed and Octavia wanted to tell you herself and she knew you were going to scream and she didn’t want me there. I would have made it easier, I would have calmed you down, we both know that, but she didn’t want me there.

“Then Lincoln died and she blamed you. Told you that if you weren’t such a hotheaded bastard, Lincoln would have seen the car coming and he still would have been alive. He wouldn’t have been thinking about you taking her away from you when you’d already left! You should have shown the fuck up for that. You should have been holding her up instead of me while we watched him disappear into the ground. You should have let her pound her fists into your chest while she _screamed_ at you, blaming you for it and you should have let her blame you.

“God, she blames me too, Bellamy. I was supposed to go and she asked me not to. I could have been driving, I could be the one that’s dead and sometimes I feel guilty over it too. But then I think about what she must be feeling inside and I realize this is how she’s able to show her grief. She doesn’t know any other way because if what you wrote in _Keta_ was even a fraction of the truth of what you went through as a child, that’s all she knows and it’s not fair to anyone.

“So don’t you dare blame me for how our friendship ended. You stopped calling, you stopped writing, you stopped emailing and I was tired of being the only one who tried,” Clarke sighed, turning to push her cart so she could leave this god awful store but it wouldn’t budge. She pushed harder and it barely moved, her flip flops sliding across the ground more than the cart.

“Clarke…”

“No, just go, Bellamy!”

“At least let me push your cart. You’re getting nowhere.”

Clarke growled, trying to push again before giving up and let him take over in exchange for his. “Why are you here?”

“Because I need food.”

“Virginia. Why are you back?”

“Because this book isn’t a memoir.”

“Then what is it?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“So I could read everything you wrote before but now that you’re being published, everything’s changed. I was your editor, Bellamy. How do you think that made me feel? Book after book after fucking book?”

“You still read them though.”

“No, actually I didn’t. I opened the first one because I didn’t order anything and I froze. It stayed in the middle of my floor for a month before Raven picked it up and threw it in my closet. I didn’t know what to do, it felt like taking your first born from you and I know that sounds ridiculous but you didn’t even email it to me to edit for you. You always did that, even in MFA. Six hundred miles away and I was still helping you with your homework. I didn’t mind, I never minded because you were funny and the essays were compelling. How was I supposed to read a book written by you that I wasn’t a part of?”

“You always complained about it.”

“Because I had my own papers to write. I could afford another year of schooling if I failed but you couldn’t. I wasn’t pitying you, I just… you were always meant to be bigger than me.”

“You read _Keta_ though.”

“Raven told me I should. I read _Altschmerz_ and _Cynosure_ too.”

“I asked them not to send you that one.”

“Because I was your sister or because it was about Gina and we barely talked when you were with her?”

“It was easier, having you and Octavia as one character in the story. You weren’t in the beginning and you weren’t mentioned until that ending and it would have made you look like a bitch which was the furthest from what you were. You cared so much, too much and… god, I don’t know, I know that I was lost and having you that mad at me snapped something within me, something that screamed that I couldn’t lose you. I’ve lost you, haven’t I?”

“You’re still not telling me the truth so until I get the truth, until you tell me what it is you’re doing here and why Echo came with you, then maybe we can be friends again.”

“I’m not doing this in the middle of Costco, Clarke.”

She didn’t pout, she really didn’t but if that’s the look Bellamy took it for, and who was she to argue with his perspective? “I still have to get cheese balls and pretzels.”

“Go, I’ll go get in line.”

Clarke nodded and pushed his cart to the last snacks on her list and headed over to the lines where Bellamy was loading her stuff onto the conveyor belt. “Thanks,” she said, dropping the cheese balls and pretzels before helping with the rest.

“Yeah. Look, Clarke, I know I have no legs to walk on here, that I don’t have any right to ask you to do something before I tell you everything but read _Tangency_ , then I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

Clarke grimaced, “Incredible, really. I’ll think about it.”

And she did, kind of, she tried not to but the books were still on her nightstand and even though she has the capacity to sleep virtually anywhere, the only place her back didn’t wind up hurting the next day was her bed so she slept there and always thought about the books as she turned the light out. _Tangency_ was at the bottom, there was only one above it left, she’s read _Keta, Altschmerz_ and _Cynosure_ already, leaving _Anemoia_ and _Tangency_ leaving her to wonder if there was some meaning behind using John Koenig’s words as the titles. If he was being nostalgic of their class together or if it was just the right word to describe what he was going for with the stories. For her it was painful nostalgia and she didn’t know what to do with how she was feeling but she needed to focus on Madi and the camp. She couldn’t waste time thinking about Bellamy and Echo and _Tangency_.

She picked up _Anemoia_ and contemplated reading it first, if she should listen to Bellamy or Raven. _Anemoia,_ she thought, _nostalgia for a time you’ve never known._ Greco-Roman empires, Bellamy would write a love letter to history, she smiled, it made her decision for her. She’ll read _Anemoia_ as a somewhat reminder that he’s still the same man she loved back then. That, even though he’s grown a beard and has a softer demeanor, it doesn’t’ change the core qualities she fell in love with.

It was everything she’d hoped it’d be and more, but it in no way helped her prepare for reading _Tangency_. She wasn’t actively avoiding reading the book, or Bellamy in general, but the next month passed and it was summer and Clarke was busy running the town’s summer camp and needing to go get food but none of the adults were around and the kids need more food than what she bought but then again she was distracted from her list because of Bellamy.

She put a teenage councilor in charge, telling her that Raven will be there in a half hour and to just keep the kids busy until she gets there and Clarke should be back in less than two hours.

Once she was at Costco, the irony didn’t get past her as she was halfway through the store and saw him. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she sighed, dropping the ice pops in her cart.

“Clarke?” he asked surprised, though he really shouldn’t, this was where they last saw each other.

“Twice is a coincidence. Let’s not go for a third time and turn it into a habit,” she grumbled, pushing past him.

“You haven’t read it,” he sighed. “Clarke, please read it. Please just—“

“Tangency, Bellamy. The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. I remember it. I remember everything and I—I can’t get close to you again because I can’t lose you again.”

“Clarke…”

“Don’t say my name like that. Don’t put me in your damn novels as Calliope Siren or your sister…” she grimaced, blinking back her tears. He can’t see those.

“I could tell you right now what it says in that book. I could, but it won’t be so loquacious. It took me _years_ to write that book, Clarke. It took me years to figure out what I wanted to say, how I needed to say it and maybe it still isn’t perfect. It’s probably idiotic to even wish it. Obviously you don’t care,” he said before walking away.

Clarke’s heart sank as she watched him walk away. Maybe he loved her back then. He probably would have come back and told her. Obviously she’s still in love with him.

But he’s still with Echo, she kept him in Boston, she gave him something Clarke couldn’t, at least not then, not when they were still barely children. It wasn’t the right time for them and the cosmos was telling them that by separating them. Clarke was okay with that, they were somewhat dysfunctional and too reliant on each other while not being too open and in a relationship, if they took that step back then, it would have been toxic. It would have ended just as quickly as it had started and Bellamy would have grown to resent her for keeping him in Virginia, at Ark U instead of going to his dream MFA program and they wouldn’t have even gotten back to being just friends.

That… that’s it, wasn’t it? She’s acting the way he’d be if they did get together and he’d stayed and he grew to resent her. She’s resenting him for leaving but it wasn’t how she felt at all. Of course she wished he’d stayed, of course she wanted him to spend the last six years with her, but he couldn’t. He needed to see more of the world than their small town a few miles outside Richmond, he’s a better writer for it, she already knew that, she also knew that she had to read _Tangency_ because she needs to know why it’s so god damned important for her to read it.

_For Princess. Thank you for always believing in me._

Clarke swallowed, he dedicated the book to her before turning to the next page.

_There’s a song that reminded me of her, a country song that should remind me of the place that I called home for twenty-four years, not the girl I knew for barely two. Have you ever met someone that you knew deep in your bones, possibly your soul, that they are meant to be in your life? Not someone you were friends with in high school that you lost touch with because you went to different colleges and classes got tougher so you lost touch. A deep connection that’s inexplicable, people see the two of you interact and they don’t comprehend what’s transpired between the two of you._

_When I first met Callie Siren, I was pissed at my sister, not that uncommon of a situation that I should know how to interact with other people while still fuming, but that day—after everything that happened over the summer—I wasn’t the best version of myself. We’d definitely gotten off on the wrong foot and I think I threatened to kill her, but with everything that was going on in my head, it didn’t even phase me that it was unacceptable._

_I somehow_ still _heard my high school principal lecturing me after one of my more brutal fights, “Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things.” There was more but that was his main point and I took it to heart, but I also contorted it, twisted it into this higher belief that I could get away with anything as long as I didn’t break the cardinal rule of life, don’t murder people. So I wasn’t the best Landon when I met Callie. She deserved none of what I gave her and luckily she didn’t hold any of it against me._

Clarke blinked back tears, it’s how they met, it’s them with different names. He wrote their story.

_I walked in the door after an exhausting shift at the coffee shop on campus to find Callie in my kitchen staring at my grad school acceptance letters. The look on her face… looking back, I know it was heartbreak, but I didn’t know that at the time, I thought that she was just sad over me possibly leaving. I was accepted into our school’s grad program as well but that acceptance letter she was staring at held some weight, it was the program I dreamed of, the program my idols and Callie knew how much I wanted it._

_I called out to her name and for the first time in two years the name sounded foreign sliding off my tongue as it pulled her back to reality._

_“Don’t leave,” she breathed._

_“Cal…” I started, not exactly knowing what I was going to say but it was as though she already knew that._

_“Don’t. I can’t hear you say it.”_

_The words, those damn, dreaded words were suddenly in my head and out of my mouth, demanding to be said aloud. “We’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we?” I asked, placing my hand over hers on the counter. “We can get through this too. It’s a nine hour drive, we’ll see each other all the time. Penelope will make sure of that.”_

_“Will she? She’s made it pretty clear that everything horrible in her life is your fault. What makes you think she’ll make sure you visit or that she’ll want you to?”_

_She wasn’t wrong, a little cruel but she was right. Penny’s depictions of our childhood was wrong, somewhat distorted._

_“Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” I joked trying to lighten the mood. Forget about Penny._

_“Fuck me if that’s true,” she breathed, eyes locked on the letter. “Were you going to tell me?”_

_I shrugged, “Grad party. Cal, listen. Everyone is going to be here. You’re never going to be alone and I’m never going to forget you. How the hell am I going to forget the duchess?”_

_Her smile, her laugh wasn’t full and happy, didn’t reach her eyes. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you.”_

_I wasn’t ready to have that conversation, Callie wasn’t ready either and the immense reality weighed on us both. I pulled her into me, needing comfort, needing her closer. I pressed my lips to her head, hoping, praying, that I didn’t ruin our friendship while simultaneously wishing they were her own lips. The realization ached in my chest while I said, “You’re the amazing, resilient Callie Siren. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”_

_She blinked up at me and I couldn’t look away, her blue eyes were so deep and telling and captivating, clouded with despair._

_“Just… hurry.”_

Clarke slammed the book shut and threw it across the room, shattering the mirrored closet door. Thank god Madi was at a sleep over, it would have woken her up.

She wanted to scream at Bellamy for telling their conversation verbatim. For not realizing that she had heartbreak written all over her face and couldn’t bear to lose him like she knew she was going to if he left.

She turned her lights out, leaving the broken mirror to be cleaned up in the morning. She couldn’t deal with it now, she couldn’t deal with it, _him._

Clarke went back to the book three days later, leaving the mess in her room until that morning and placing the book back on her nightstand, still hating Bellamy but needing to know what the rest of this book says about her. About them.

_I didn’t say it, I couldn’t. She changes everything, every decision I made changed because of Callie and her hold over me. How could I tell her? How did I even make that change? Because I paid attention to her heartbreak? Because I saw it? Because I had hope that she felt for me the way I felt for her? Because saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” was something that made me realize that my absence would throw Callie into someone else’s arms and that wasn’t what I wanted._

_Even if she didn’t feel the same way, I couldn’t not be there to make sure she was aware of whomever she started dating wasn’t worthy of her. I’m not worthy of her._

Clarke sped through the story as though her life depended on it. Landon, Bellamy’s character, stayed in North Carolina with his sister and Callie, Clarke’s character. Callie started dating this girl, the girl was amazing and beautiful and made Callie smile so brightly, she beat out the sun. She was happy and she always had Landon for when they fought and they fought a lot. Landon went back to his high school player ways, having one night stands and on Callie’s twenty first birthday, Landon and a bunch of her—their—friends took her out to celebrate at a bar and Callie wouldn’t leave Landon’s side even though her girlfriend was there too, even though she was too drunk and she was handsy when she’s drunk and Landon shouldn’t have allowed her hands to wander but whenever her hands were on him, his mouth went dry and his jaw slacked with a sigh. Three weeks later Callie and her girlfriend broke up and Landon didn’t know, she didn’t tell him because they broke up over him, how Callie looked at him, how they interacted, that she was in love with him. It was another two months before she told him, Christmas, to be precise, her mother and stepfather invited her and her best friend, Rhea and her boyfriend and Callie didn’t want to be the fifth wheel in Mexico. It just so happened that Landon’s sister was visiting her new fiancé’s parents for Christmas so he went to Mexico with them. They had a semester left of school and they got drunk on the beach celebrating New Years, leaving in two days and they heard the people in the bar counting down in Spanish and Landon looked over at Callie lying next to him and maybe it was because he was drunk, or because he’s been dying to since he told her to keep her PEMDAS to herself, he leaned into her on _cuatro_ and time slipped away as their lips met and tongues danced and bodies melded together on a beach in Mexico, their lives calm and underwhelming aside from finally showing how much he really cared and her being open to the idea, the possibility… until she pulled away, until she pushed him off of her and stood, that heartbroken expression on her face again in the faint fire light from too far away that it shouldn’t even count. “I—I can’t just be a warm body,” she said softly, voice breaking as she turned and headed down the beach, back to the hotel and Landon sat there dumbfounded, finishing his beer before following her back, making sure she wasn’t mugged or kidnapped, heading into his own room.

Of course, it wasn’t what he wanted, it wasn’t what she wanted either but that’s where they were and the next day she left early to head into town with Rhea and Landon was stuck with Rob, Rhea’s boyfriend, for the day. Callie refused to talk to him and it made Landon want to scream in frustration. How couldn’t she see that he wouldn’t ruin their friendship over one night?

Clarke hated Bellamy. She hated him so much it hurt because his story, their story’s possibility was beautiful and heartbreaking and everything she wanted for them and they never got the opportunity to explore that. How was she supposed to react to this story? How was she supposed to be okay with him professing his love to her through a fucking book for the world to read? How could he have moved on from her when her heart still ached for him every day?

Callie and Landon figured their shit out and got married three years later, Rhea was with some guy named Zeke and Landon’s sister was happy with some woman who was raising her teenaged nephew. No one saw that coming, her character was straight until she showed up at the wedding. Clarke laughed, thinking it was Bellamy’s way of throwing Lincoln some shade even though he approved of him after giving him years of grief.

After Clarke finished the book, she went to bed, only to text Niylah in the morning to ask if Bellamy’s supposed to be there that day and Niylah laughed and said he’s there every day, sat in his little corner writing his heart away and Clarke smiled at the image, she saw it so clearly. It was Saturday so there was no camp and Raven requested Madi for the day so Clarke could do what she wanted, whether it was go to the café or stay home and clean the house was up to her.

She cleaned the house and quickly realized that she and Madi lived clean lives and was bored by noon. Sighing in defeat, Clarke took a quick shower and changed into shorts and a concert tee she found at the thrift store years ago, trying to look presentable but not like she’s trying too hard. She grabbed the book off her nightstand and shoved it in her purse before slamming the door behind her.

She arrived at the café and saw him sitting in the back corner, fully enthralled in the story he was writing. She pulled Tangency out of her bag and slammed it on the table next to him. “What is this supposed to mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?”

“I’m Callie, right? And you’re Landon? It was our story, our words until he didn’t leave. Tangency, a glimpse of what might have been. _What might have been?!_ Is that what you wanted? If that… you’re unbelievable!” she yelled, not being able to look at him any longer so she stormed off, out of the café.

“Clarke!” he called after her on the sidewalk. “You’re the levelheaded one, remember? You don’t make rash decision, you don’t walk out on people. You’re twenty-five and that’s changed?”

“I’m a mom. I protect my child from anything that could possibly a threat to her wellbeing and this… whatever this is with you, isn’t healthy.”

“Will you let me talk? I was in love with you. I should have told you, I should have stayed, I should have done a lot of things differently six years ago but I also should have done things differently since coming back home. Yes, I was with Echo and yes, I loved her, but since coming back, since… God, it’s fucking ironic… do you know the story of Narcissus?”

“You’re trying to tell me a myth about narcissism right now?”

“It tells my point for me,” Bellamy shrugged and Clarke sighed.

“Fine.”

“Narcissus was just a man, he wasn’t narcissistic in the beginning. He was hunting in the woods when a nymph named Echo, ironically, fell in love with him but he sent her away because, for whatever reason, he wasn’t interested. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, heard about it and decided to punish Narcissus and had him fall in love with his own image when he looked into a pool of water.

There are other iterations of the story, in Chinese philosophy, yin and yang describes how opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. They essentially better each other and, Clarke, I know that I left, I know that I’ve stayed away but being here, being back, I’ve felt this pull, this need to be better than who I was in Boston and before college. The only time that I didn’t act out and push boundaries was around you.”

Clarke scoffed, remembering their first months of friendship where he nearly killed people in fist fights and himself with overindulging in alcohol, having Clarke and Octavia nurse him back to health. “That’s not fair. You were fine without me. For six years you were fine. Hell, you had Echo! Irony, huh? You and Narcissus, you deserve each other, rather yourself.”

“Don’t you get it? I’ve been staring into the lake for eight years and I didn’t even know it until I started writing this story. Not _Tangency,_ the one I’m writing right now. I came home because I felt safe here to explore writing an actual story, not a memoir with changed names. I feel safe because of you, knowing you’re here, knowing that I can walk into you anywhere in town, getting to know your daughter… it’s broadened my horizons and has made me see things I didn’t expect to see, turned my novel into something bigger and better than I imagined in Boston. I need you.”

“You’re six years too late,” she said, trying to be strong but her voice broke while she was breaking her own heart and maybe his in the process.

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that, I tried to get back to you. You’re the one that stopped talking to me.”

“Because I had to get over you!” she snapped and looked to the ground, a stomped on piece of green gum was stuck to the sidewalk and she couldn’t figure out what kind of shoe print was left in it.

“Get over me?”

“Yeah, it didn’t work apparently. Nothing has.”

Bellamy's face fell, “You dated?”

“No, I was focused on Madi, maybe too much. I might rely on her more than she relies on me.”

“So you’re saying you haven’t been your best self since I’ve been gone either?”

“No, I’m not saying that.”

“But it’s been rougher without me?”

“Please stop, Bellamy," Clarke shook her head. "I had hope six years ago, hell I had it four years ago too, but I… We’re not the same people we were back then.”

“You’re right. We’re better.”

“Are we? You’re destined for greatness. God, you have it! I’m just a mom.”

“That doesn’t compute. Six years ago hearing you say you wanted to foster kids, I’d look at you like you were crazy. But now I can’t picture you without Madi. You’re meant to be a mom, Clarke. There’s no conversation that we can have right now that will end with us going on a date or being happy right now. It has to be gradual, when you’re ready.”

“A date?” she grimaced, where the hell did that come from?

“Yin and yang, Narcissus, night and day, the head and the heart. Destined to be together.”

Clarke looked up at him, thought of all the emotion he wrote about in every story he told and sighed. He _feels_ so much, he feels everything Clarke’s repressed the last four years. He wants what she wanted—wants? Does she still? She knows how Madi feels on the matter, the teen wouldn’t shut up about how much she wished Bellamy was around more. He was always so good with kids, good with Madi.

“What happened to Echo?”

“It took me years to get over you, Clarke. Echo saw how much it was hurting being there and she lessened it. It worked but this story that I’m working on… I wanted to be here and try figuring out Anston’s feeling towards being in a town he didn’t recognize anymore, with people he doesn’t know and you’ve helped me with that. You’re more amazing than I remember and Echo was here for one day before realizing that it’s still you.”

“Why haven’t you said anything?”

“Because even though you looked so hopeful, you looked heartbroken seeing me again. Like it was a raw wound opening up again.”

“You just… you were a twenty-four year old man that looked like a teenager, I could pretend that you were my age, not six years older than me. This beard makes you look older, you look thirty and it’s different, it reminds me that we’ve changed, we’re different people, and just because you were the guy I was in love with six years ago, doesn’t mean you are now.”

“Could we at least try?”

“You have to prove it to me. I’m not just going to fall at your feet.”

“Not the Clarke Griffin way, I’m well aware. You know I’m never going to let you go, right? I love you.”

“I know, I’m afraid of you leaving again.”

“Book tour. I’m always going to come back home," he vowed and Clarke ached to believe him.

* * *

“I want to read the story,” Clarke said sitting next to him at the kitchen table, with their dinners.

“You will, it’s almost done,” he smiled, closing the laptop. “Lasagna?”

“It’s getting colder, we need comfort food.”

“Madi’s with Natasha for the night, right?”

Clarke smirked, “Yeah.”

“Good,” he leaned over and kissed her before digging into the lasagna.

Clarke blinked before taking her own bite with a small, content smile. It’s been nine months since she finished reading Tangency, five months since she kissed Bellamy for the first time, leaving him utterly dumbfounded before he swooped her up in his arms and kissed her thoroughly.

Madi knew before Clarke even told her, she’s been happier than normal and the only explanation that Madi could think of was Bellamy, who had been hanging out with them more.

“Do you want to know what she said to me the other day?”

Clarke smirked, does she? She’s sure it’s something that would get her or Clarke into trouble and Clarke didn’t want that. “Yeah.”

“She told me that if I left she’d find me and kill me because she’s never seen you so happy and you deserve it more than anyone else in the world. I don’t disagree.”

“That I deserve to be happy more than anyone else in the world? That’s a stretch, there are far better people out there than me, and they deserve happiness more.”

“That may be true, but you deserve it too.”

“Give me another year of this before you even _think_ of proposing, okay?”

Bellamy laughed, “Yeah, do you think that Raven and Zeke will be okay with watching Madi for the month of November?”

“Why?”

“Small book tour, maybe a week in Hawaii with you. How does that sound?”

“I can’t take a month off work.”

“You really think I didn’t talk to Jackson about it? He says it’s fine, you haven’t taken any time off since you started.”

“That would only give me a week for when we… if we…”

“It’s way too early in this relationship to be talking about marriage,” Bellamy smirked.

Clarke elbowed him in the ribs, “Shut up, you did earlier.”

“That’s because I’ve already told you that I love you.”

She grimaced, she hadn’t told him. It wasn’t that she wasn’t feeling it, she just couldn’t get the words out, and repressing them for eight years does that to a person.

“I’m sorry, babe. I know you’ll say it when you’re ready.”

“I want to be ready.”

“And when you are, you’ll say it. I’m okay with waiting.”

A month later Clarke told him she loved him too and his smile was megawatt.

That November they went on his book tour for _Ellipsism_ together before going to Hawaii where Bellamy proposed and Clarke said yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Ellipsism** : n. sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out, that you’ll dutifully pass on the joke of being alive without ever learning the punchline—the name of the beneficiary of all human struggle, the sum of the final payout of every investment ever made in the future—which may not suit your sense of humor anyway and will probably involve how many people it takes to change a lightbulb.
> 
> For some reason, I decided to get a tellonym... here's the link: <https://tellonym.me/jbsullivan27>  
> hate on me there, send requests, whatever you want... I'm a millennial who doesn't understand social media but I'm trying.


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